My First Trip To Nineveh

My Trip To Nineveh

                It was New Years Day, which did not mean a slower pace in the intensive care unit just because it was a holiday, and to describe the husband of my patient as “anxious” would be an understatement.  My report to the hospital security guards regarding his threatening actions toward me was, without warning, interrupted by the phone call that would forever change my family.

The details of that phone call, my reaction to it, or the events that followed are not important.  What is important, is that the Lord would soon show me He was teaching me about “forgiveness,” which had been my prayer the evening prior.  “Lord, this year, 2010, I would like to learn all about forgiveness,” was the vocabulary I believe I used.  What that really meant was “Lord, please help me to forgive all of the people who have hurt me.”  But He wasted no time in letting me know that before I can learn how to truly forgive others, I must learn how to be sorry, and ASK for forgiveness.  And this was how my journey in 2010 began.

Several evenings would be spent on the couch of my neighbor and friend, as I listened to her own stories of seeking forgiveness. (We also ate a lot of ice cream during this time!)  She wanted me to see MY role in an ongoing 20-year-long situation.  When I think back to how frustrating it must have been for her to listen to me wanting nothing to do with asking forgiveness, I admire her even more for continuing to be my friend!  I didn’t want to ask forgiveness because in my eyes, I had done nothing wrong.  I had simply gotten fed up with having to walk on egg shells and trying to stand on middle ground between adults who found it difficult to have a loving relationship.  I blamed (and at times still do) my overreaction on a phone call, on the stressful situation I was in the middle of at work, and of course frustration fueled by years and years of constantly pretending that things were “okay” in a relationship that I knew was not “okay.”  It was safer, and to be honest, easier and less stressful, to use  the “avoidance” technique.  There were plenty of places to vacation during the holidays, a lot of different friends and relatives to visit out of state.  Making those types of plans would allow me to shield my children from becoming a part of a hurtful situation that I really felt did not belong to me.  But it did belong to me!  In fact, that was what my friend wanted desperately for me to see.   But I just could not seem to stop ruminating about how I felt I was being treated unfairly, and still believing that I had nothing to ask forgiveness for.

I promised my friend I would pray that God would teach me something through this heart-breaking situation.  We prayed together, and I know she often prayed silently for me.  I kept asking the Lord if there was something I was supposed to learn through this, that He teach me quickly because my heart was breaking. 

“The Word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai:  “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”  But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish.  He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port.  After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.”  (Jonah 1-3 NIV)

Jonah’s story would be the beginning of the teaching on disobedience the following week in church.  What I understood was that I was no different than Jonah.  I sat there, listening to our Pastor teach about Jonah’s stubbornness, while remembering all that I had prayed for.  Here He was speaking through my Pastor, showing me that He was trying to get through to me, but I was so busy being stubborn just like Jonah, and so busy trying to run from Him, that my disobedience was keeping me from learning anything.  And while I was busy disobeying, the family storm I felt swept up in was strengthening, just as the storm strengthened for Jonah the further he ran.

Just as the Lord did not stop pursuing Jonah, He never stopped pursuing me.  He sent the strong storm that got Jonah thrown off of a boat, swallowed by a fish for three days, and he then ended up being vomited up on the shore.  The Lord was relentlessly pressing on my heart and showing me His hand was in my situation as well, but that some responsibility was going to belong to me!

Have you ever heard a sermon and felt as though it was written JUST FOR YOU???  That was exactly how I felt as I left church that day.  In fact, I felt the need to spend three days in serious prayer about my role in my situation.  Three days in the belly of a fish, one-on-one time with the Lord worked out well for Jonah. Certainly three days of prayer would benefit me as well, I thought!  The Lord was clearly going to use this story to teach me many things.

Just as Jonah cried out from the belly of the fish, so I cried out and prayed all over again, a new prayer this time.  “Lord!  Where is my Nineveh?  And once you show me where Nineveh is, what would you have me do there?”  And I prayed this for three solid days.  “I will go to Nineveh, Lord.  I promise.  No matter how difficult the trip, and no matter the outcome of the journey, I will go.”  And I waited three days.  My faithful God revealed many things to me during that time.  He showed me that by my lack of involvement in trying to facilitate some sort of reconciliation with the family members involved, I actually was teaching my kids passivity.  By pretending the situation did not exist, I taught them avoidance.  By not owning and taking responsibility for my part in the current mess, or attempting to take an active role in trying to heal it, I was teaching my kids that UNforgiveness is acceptable in God’s eyes, and it is not. 

On day three, the Lord finally told me to take responsibility, without anticipating an outcome of any kind, to completely and totally trust Him, to say what I was sorry for.  I began by writing a letter to each of the people involved, without expecting any sort of a response, and I apologized for not taking an active role in attempting to heal the situation between us.  By doing nothing for so many years, I contributed to the isolation of my children from the lives and love of cousins, from fun memories of growing up together, and from showing others how powerful our creator is, and most importantly how freeing forgiveness is.  The letters were written to each of the family members, permanently, in ink, and I apologized.  And because of His faithfulness, the Lord smothered me with a peace that surpassed all understanding, the very MOMENT those letters were mailed.  It was obedience that brought about the peace, not the anticipation of a response to the letters.  In fact, there was no response.  And there has continued to be no response other than a continued lack of relationship, and three years of deafening silence, but in repenting, I have found it easier to forgive, a forgiveness that is no longer based on the response that I am hoping for.

I cannot heal this situation, but HE can, and He will!  I do not lose sleep or worry about how or when it will be healed, because I know it will, in HIS time and in HIS way.  I do know the power of prayer, and I do know that prayer should be our FIRST weapon of choice, not the one we pick up when our own efforts fail, and THIS is my most often prayed prayer!  He is working on every heart involved.

 I know that my obedience will always result in a hand-in-hand journey with the Lord, and an opportunity to grow with Him in an intimate relationship.  I have run from the Lord and jumped on many ships, and many times my time alone with Him has been forced, as was Jonah’s in the belly of the fish.  I have willingly taken trips to Nineveh, but in my stubbornness and brokenness, I have more often times been vomited up on the shore.  He is not done with me yet.  Apparently, what I asked Him to teach me in 2010, He knows I need a few more semesters on.  And it’s peculiar in that each time I make the journey to Nineveh, the road changes by just a little bit, and I’m forced to pull out the old maps from the previous trips.  They are helpful, but the journey always takes on new twists in the road, and I am never, ever disappointed.

I asked the Lord to teach me what it really means to forgive, and He started by teaching me what it really means to repent!