"Happy National Single Parent's Day!" was the text I woke up to from a dear friend. Immediately, I started re-texting it to all of my single friends. As I began to think about each of them, I felt overwhelmed with joy realizing what a support system and circle of men and women I have had walk alongside me through this life. And my mind couldn't help but wander back in time.
I became a single parent in 1992 when I left my now ex-husband in Germany and flew home 7 months pregnant. I'll never forget that trip. Ever. Relief filled my heart when we left Germany. But getting snowed in at LaGuardia Airport in New York, 7 months pregnant with an almost 2-year-old, was just enough time to remind me of the storm I was about to face in my own life. Moving back home as an adult is not easy. Moving back home with no job, a 2-year-old, 7 months pregnant, and a completely unknown future is realllllllly not easy.
During the next 2 months, I developed some health issues that eventually landed me in the hospital. That was scary. I had already lost a daughter. I worried I would also lose my son. Thank God I had my family to lean on and was able to rest in the hospital while I knew Rory was well cared for. Then, I remember pulling into my parents' garage bringing Ian home for the first time on December 24, 1992. "I'll be home for Christmas" was playing on the radio. The following morning, Christmas Day, I would have to go emergently back to the hospital where I would spend the next few days fighting a kidney infection.
The first two months of single parenthood were very difficult in more ways than I can count, and certainly more difficult than I have the words to describe. But in the five months of living with Mum and Dad, Rory and Ian were loved so much! Some of the videos I took during those five months remain my favorites. Rory "helped" my Dad shovel snow and learned how to shave (sort of). Dad would rock Ian for hours and promise one day to eat sardines with him. Rory and Dad step danced in the kitchen while Dad "tuned" some fiddle music. Rory would help Mum carry things and say, "It's heddy Beema!" Nancy would come over and play for hours with Rory, and she always brought him little mint candies. He hasn't forgotten this.
There were another couple of special people during that time. They were neighbors, and what they did for me, I have shared with so many people over the years. I landed a little part time job at Farmer Jacks and a baby sitting job in the neighborhood. This was very humbling, as I had just finished a 10-year active duty Army career, and I was college educated. But as my mother always says, "We will move MOUNTAINS for our children!" Joan and Chris were my neighbors. They came over one day and brought me coupons they had cut from newspapers. Then they came another day and brought me things they had gotten for free from "buy one, get one free" coupons. They brought me old toys their kids had outgrown. They brought me hand-me-down clothes. They invited me to their exercise classes. We would sit and drink coffee for hours and talk about kids, about life, about everything.
What they did was so simple. But, during one of the most difficult times of my life, it was HUGELY appreciated. Some people were telling me to go back to Germany because I would never make it as a single parent. Others were reminding me that divorce is unacceptable. I remember being so overwhelmed by peoples' opinions, that one day I just sat down and cried, and then picked myself up and made a promise to myself (the first of many promises I would make to myself) that I would surround myself by people who encouraged me. And the people who discouraged me would have to be people I loved but kept distance from.
Joan and Chris were not interested in WHY I was in the circumstance I was in. They simply saw someone in need. And they had the resources to MEET that need. And they did. They never, not once, questioned my decisions or discouraged me. They simply knew they had the means to meet some of my needs, and they did. Often. (Joan doesn't remember this, but she made me sign a contract stating that I would never move out of the United States again!)
Long story short - Five months after Ian was born, I moved from my parents' home into a mobile home. We lived there for 5 years (to the day!) During those five years, I worked as a waitress two days a week while going to school to be a medical transcriptionist. I began a job at a local hospital where I met two more amazing women who, knowing how badly I wanted to go to work as an independent contractor from home, pulled me aside one day and offered to help however was necessary, to prepare me to work at home. So between Mum and Dad (again!), Claudette, and Cheryl, I found a job at home, put in my two weeks notice at the hospital, and they cared for Rory and Ian until I could get set up.
The next decade (plus some!) I worked from home. (And was STILL getting coupons and hand-me-downs from Joan at this time!). After five years in the mobile home, I had saved enough money to purchase a condo, where we have now been since 1999. I continued to work at home until 2011 as a medical transcriptionist. But in 2007 I graduated from nursing school and was able to take a job outside of the home for the first time since Cheryl and Claudette had pulled me aside that day so long ago at the old Mount Clemens General Hospital. (ps.........working outside of the house again? CULTURE SHOCK!). ;)
I certainly did not set out this morning to write my autobiography. I actually set out to acknowledge some people in my life. And I really want the NON-single-parent population to understand us a little bit better, if you will.
Over the years, I have occasionally been able to help other people out. (And I keep my eye out for single moms and dads, especially. I'm a bit partial to them :) When I am able to help them in any way, by watching their children, by donating some cash or some groceries, hand-me-downing some clothes, I share the story of Joan and Chris. I don't ask them the circumstances that brought them to their current circumstances. I try very hard to think like Joan and Chris, see a need, meet it.......... not question WHY they have a need, or why someone ELSE besides myself should meet it. Then, I encourage them that some day they too, will be able to help someone else, and that when they do, they are simply passing on the "Joan and Chris" tradition.
Claudette and Cheryl have also remained some of my "besties" over the years, and are two of my most dear friends, and their families have become like family to Rory, Ian, and myself. I will surely know them forEVER.
Rory and Ian, having grown up unacknowledged by their father or his family, have their own perspectives on being children of a single parent. And they have turned it into something so positive, by mentoring younger children and reminding them of the one true Father we all have. (I would love, love to get their perspective from them written by them some day!)
Although I have enjoyed every bit of being a single Mom, there are some things that are especially difficult. Not having someone to "bounce things off" is difficult. But having friends who do not dismiss my calls, and taking the time for me to talk parenting things through with them, is such a blessing. I remember having a friend once from the kids' school, whose husband would not allow her or her children at our house because I was a single mom, and because we lived "in a trailer." That was difficult, not just for me, but for the kids. If you know a single parent through your child's school - Please, please don't do that. Find out what their needs are. Find a way to help. Please.
For 19 years, I have had 7 days a week, every weekend, 365 days a year, every holiday with my kids, and aside from the time they tried to surprise me by running the dishwasher with regular dish soap, causing 4 feet of bubbles in our kitchen, there isn't one day I would trade for all of the chocolate in Willy Wonka's Factory.
I have been blessed over the years by so many. And if you are a single parent, I would so strongly encourage you to GET YOUR BUTT into a GOOD CHURCH where your children can have mentors who can walk alongside of them. (Please don't wait until they are 16 - do it now.) The men who have stepped up to do that for Rory and Ian have been some of my life's hugest blessings.
If you know some kids of single parents who you can take to a ballgame or just take out for some Starbucks, do it! It's more than a ballgame or Starbucks to them (and to the mom). Trust me on that one. (Thanks, Nancy and Tom!)
To all of the single parents I know, love, and call "friend"....... I am praying for and love you today and always. This includes parents who have been divorced a month, or 20 years, those who have remarried, and those who have not, parents of twins who have no contact or financial support of ex (Kim M), and those who have the complete financial support and physical presence of their children's father, those who have single parented the sweetest of kids with special needs (Marty), and those who are single parents by death of their spouse. All of our circumstances are different. But the one thing we have in common is the need for encouragement and emotional support. And hugs. No one ever hugs us. (smile). If you know a single parent today at work or wherever you are - for God's sake - Hug Them! LOL
Thank you, to Mum, Dad, Nancy and Tom, Joan, Chris, Cheryl, Claudette, and to all of my friends and family who have supported me over the years with coupons, hugs, an ear, a shoulder, a laugh, a kitchen table cup of coffee, and for always so unselfishly considering my needs before yours. And thank you to the men who have mentored my Rory and Ian. You all know who you are.
ps) When your kids graduate from high school, your "single parent" status, issues, needs, financial status, etc., DO NOT CHANGE. They STILL need us.
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